Why We Misunderstand One Another

by Lester Rennard

A misunderstanding by definition is a failure to understand and a misinterpretation of a message being communicated. The mere existence of a misunderstanding means that an obvious but unsuccessful attempt was made by the parties involved to connect. The attempt fails indicating that there are problems existing within their communication channel that are preventing the transmission and reception of a clear message. The implication therefore, is that individuals who experience misunderstandings in their relationships do have some degree of caring for one another but lack effective communication techniques and skills to make meaningful and satisfying connections.

The point of emphasis is that misunderstanding only occurs with individuals who are in some form of relationship in which at least one party cares enough about the other to wanting to make connection, but a lack in skills of communication frustrates their attempts to send and receive messages to and from each other. When people do not have caring feelings and attitudes for one another, they do not have any desire to make connections and therefore no reason for misunderstanding. Since they are not attempting to communicate, there is no message to misinterpret or misunderstand.

When teaching communication and conflict resolution skills to couples, I have often heard at least one party in a relationship express the frustration that they experience a lot of misunderstandings in their relationship because the other party does not care. The party being accused of not caring will invariably become visibly disturbed and defensive while demanding to know why they are making so many sacrifices for their family if they did not care. More often than not, it is the wife who will be expressing the concern that her husband does not care. I may allow the exchange to continue between them for a while in order to observe and get an idea of how they really communicate.

I will usually observe clear indications of poor communication and conflict resolution skills. When I inquire of the wife, in such instances, to explain why she believes her husband does not care, she will usually share and describe many examples and illustrations of what she concludes to be evidences of uncaring attitudes. Such attitudes will include an avoidance of dealing with issues when they arise, being always defensive when confronted with legitimate concerns, not wanting to talk or share with her, having little to say, secretive and always tuning her out when she tries to talk. In addition, they will often get into verbal fights and arguments over misunderstandings involving his accusing her of saying something to him that he misinterpreted and she did not say, and vice-versa. There will often be no serious issues about his efforts at trying to meet the lifestyle needs of the family.

All of the above examples are usually symptoms of a communication problem rather than an issue of lack of care. When I share this observation, the husband will usually become more relieved and delighted to know that somebody is able to see that the problem in their relationship is not that he does not care - and that to the contrary, there is evidence that he does indeed care. He will then usually admit that the real problem is one of a lack of communication and conflict resolution skills that they need to work on and which he is willing to work toward acquiring.

I have seen couples on the verge of breaking up because one thinks that since he is constantly being accused of not caring despite his efforts, there is no reason to continue the relationship, change courses after realizing the real cause of their problems. It can be really frustrating and discouraging when one feels under attack and being accused of something for which he knows in his heart that the opposite is true, but yet cannot articulate his position and so shuts down and feels forced to give up.

When two parties are attempting to communicate, they initiate a process of transmitting and receiving of messages and information. Misunderstanding occurs when at least one of the following events is at work:

i. They are not properly connected to the same channel. Both parties need to be tuned in to one another emotionally to be able to send, receive, decode and understand the messages and signals that go back and forth.

ii. The messages and signals are not clear. If the messages and signals are not clearly articulated, or if there are mixed messages being transmitted, there will be misinterpretation that results in misunderstandings and frustrations for both parties.

iii. The parties are speaking different languages. If one party cannot relate to or understand the 'language' of the other, they set themselves up for major misunderstandings. Differences in culture, gender, frame of reference, generation and life experiences can create artificial barriers to the correct interpretation of messages and signals in communication.

iv. The receiving party gets distracted. To fully understand the messages and signals being sent, the receiving party must hear the complete message. If there are factors such as tiredness, preoccupation, boredom, physical or emotional distress or lack of interest that cause distraction, the receiver will not hear the complete message and may cause a misunderstanding by acting on an incomplete or distorted version of the message being transmitted. It is wise to contract for a more favorable time to communicate if there are factors existing that could derail and cause distractions in any attempt at engaging in meaningful communication.

In summary, we misunderstand one another when we are in some form of relationship in which we care and desire to make meaningful connection but lack the skills and techniques for effective communication and conflict resolution.

Copyright (C) 2006 by Lester Rennard. All Rights Reserved

Dealing With Difficult People

by Lester Rennard

Most of us have had to deal with difficult people more often than we desire. Your exacting boss, your teenage child who walks around in that bellicose mood, your quarrelsome spouse, the aggressive bill collector, that pugnacious neighbor, a duplicitious co-worker, that rude customer service representative or even that 'holier than thou saint' in your place of worship who feels called, though self-appointed, to straighten out those in the pew as well as in the pulpit who do not, in their outward appearances, comply with his or her own narrow minded interpretations of the 'rules'.

These individuals, even though they may sometimes mean well, can become a constant source of irritation and a pain to deal with. How you may co-exist and even enjoy some degree of meaningful relationship with such individuals, as warranted, without losing your sanity is the burden of this article.

The first rule of engagement when dealing with difficult people is your own ability to maintain self-control. It is important to keep in mind that the difficult person thrives on keeping others off balance and on the defensive. You will therefore be able to think more clearly, make the right choices and take more appropriate actions when you stay on the offensive and refuse to be forced into a defensive stance.

The power to maintain self-control under the most difficult circumstances starts with ones own sense of self-awareness. Your awareness of who you are, your strengths, weaknesses, insecurities and limitations must be understood through a process of self discovery on your own or with professional help, to place you in a position of self-control. You must be able to be on the winning side in fighting your internal battles before you are able to win your external wars.

Your self-awareness should lead you on the path to developing emotional intelligence by acquiring the self-management and social skills that will make you more proactive in dealing with negative people and circumstances with the aim to positively influence and transform their attitudes and behaviors. You will learn to take responsibility for your own actions and to deflect the attempts of others to impose and project their own insecurities on you.

When you are able to develop your own self-awareness and to manage your own emotions, you will then be in a better position to deal with difficult people and even be better able to co-exist and enjoy some meaningful relationship with those with whom you must. When confronted by difficult individuals, you will not absorb their negative current to energize you but you will look beyond their surface attitudes and positions to uncover their real issues and then focus your attention on addressing the issues.

Most people will find it difficult to continue their belligerent attitudes toward you when they observe you not reacting to them but rather making sincere efforts to understand their real issues with the motive to help them find resolution. They will soon realize that they are fighting a battle only against themselves as you refuse to engage them in a verbal duel. Your self-possession and determination to join forces with them will lead them to lay their weapons down and to seek to cooperate with you instead.

Of course, it would be naive to think that every difficult person with whom you come in contact will change negative attitudes and positions in the face of your dogged determination to be positively proactive. The problem is theirs, not yours.

The secret you've discovered in dealing with difficult people summarized is: first develop your own self-awareness, acquire emotional intelligence by learning and mastering the skills of self-management and social interactions, deflect the attempts of others to impose and project on you their own insecurities, always maintain your offensive and then look beyond the surface attitudes and positions of the difficult individuals to uncover their real issues and make it your aim to come alongside them to help them find resolutions.

When you adopt this approach in dealing with difficult people, whether they may be found within the cloistered confines of your home or in the marketplace of life, you will find more peace within yourself and will be on the road to winning friends and influencing people by transforming your villians into allies.

Hearing Is Not Just Listening To Words

by Lester Rennard

When a wife says to her husband or a mother to her child, "Did you hear me!?"; what is it that she is trying to communicate to her husband or child? If you are hearing me correctly, your response would be that she is asking why her requests or instructions are not being acted upon or followed.

When you truly hear what someone is saying, you are not just listening to their words. You demonstrate that you hear what is being said by your action. One cannot truly claim to hear a message while at the same time remaining passive. The New Testament Bible frequently quotes Jesus as saying, "He who has an ear, let him hear" after sharing a parable with His audience.

The implication is that there is something that needs to be heard, understood, applied or acted upon in the parable. One will not usually get it by just surface listening. It requires an intense and active form of listening that involves more than just the ear. It must involve the active engagement of all the senses. In order words, one must be totally absorbed in listening to understand with a desire to apply or act upon what is being said.

The only way that one can truly demonstrate that he or she has heard what has been said is by actively responding in a way that is appropriate to what the message being communicated requires. In the case of the Bible, if I truly hear what God is saying, I will demonstrate it by submission and obedience. That is how I prove that I'm hearing the Word.

In our daily heart to heart communication with those who we care about, we also may demonstrate that we hear what is being said by acting upon the message being sent. When we fail to demonstrate appropriate action, we are actually sending a message that we did not hear what was said. In many instances, we might understand what is being said or requested but choose to ignore it and not comply.

The next time when you are asked to take out the trash or run an errand and after a reasonable time, it is still not done, you are sending a message that you did not hear what was requested of you. Why not instead demonstrate that you hear and understand by generating the appropriate action that corresponds with what the message being sent requires!

Did you hear me!?

Why Couples Have Difficulties Communicating In Marriage

by Lester Rennard

For any counselor or therapist who spends time helping couples to resolve issues in their marriages, one of the most frequent complaints that is expressed usually by wives goes like this, 'I don't understand why my husband and I cannot communicate together, and so I do not feel connected with him.' If you are a wife, you can relate if these or other similar words have ever escaped from your lips. If you are a husband, chances are they might by now become a song and a dance that constantly ring in your ears.

Why do couples find it so difficult to practice meaningful communication in their relationships? Why is it that some men have a tendency to tune out the voices of the women in their lives instead of eagerly listening to what they have to say? Since men and women are wired differently and therefore receive and transmit information with all its nuances not exactly alike, how can they find harmony and satisfaction despite their differences?

We all may agree that effective communication is vital if there is to be a spirit of understanding in the most intimate of all human relationships. A wife feels 'connected' with her husband when they are able to communicate together and she feels that he listens, understands and values her, including what she has to say. If he tunes her out when she's trying to communicate with him, she interprets it as rejection and that she is not valued and therefore finds it difficult to feel any meaningful connection with him. Men, however, generally do not need to 'communicate' to feel connected. As long as they feel respected, validated, valued for their contribution and can get their physical needs satisfied, they are connected.

From time immemorial, men have always expressed frustration in regard to how their wives go about the business of communicating. The main complaints involve the style, volume of information and their choice of timing. It is generally believed that women have three times the number of words in any given day as men do. When they get together at the end of their day and she needs to unload, he has already used up his stock of words for that day and has very little to contribute to any meaningful conversation.

If couples are sensitively aware of this disparity between the sexes and genuinely care about each other, they would be one step ahead in their quest for meaningful communication and connection. Since a woman is not always looking for a solution to a problem when communicating with the object of her affection, a man can best satisfy her desire for connection by just listening, with interest, to her. She will feel satisfied, even when her husband only has a few words to contribute, if she sees him showing attention and interest in what she's saying.

Men, it appears, are programmed to go into a heightened mode of problem solving whenever a woman wants to talk. When she informs him that she wishes to talk, he automatically begins to surmise that she is about to share some problems for which he will need to offer solutions. As she begins and continues to talk, he selectively listens for clues as to what the problem is and sometimes is impatiently wishing for her to 'get to the point' so that he may pronounce his solution and get on with his life.

If she is just wanting to talk in order to find connection, she will observe his impatience through his body language and become frustrated. She may then either withdraw or go into an attack mode forcing him on the defensive. If we follow this scenario to its conclusion, the conversation will usually end up in argumentative expressions of anger, recriminations and resentment.

Couples who are mature, caring, selfless and who seek to understand each other will be more likely to experience satisfaction in their relationships. They are the ones who will make sacrifices to learn and experiment with techniques to improve on their relationship in general and their communication in particular. They will seize all opportunities to learn more about the needs of each other and rather than allowing their differences to divide them, they use them to build and enrich their lives.

As further enlightenment on this subject matter, a recent study from the University of Sheffield in the U.K. found one reason why men have difficulties listening to women. The reason, it claims, is that because of a difference in size and shape of the larynx and vocal cords between the sexes and affecting the range of sound frequencies, a female's voice is more complex than a male's. Men's brains are designed to hear women's voices as music rather than speech. When a woman is speaking, a man uses the auditory part of his brain that processes music, not speech, to figure out what she is saying and therefore has a much harder time understanding. He does not have the same problem listening to another man since he uses a different mental process that recognizes a man's voice as speech.

How To Resolve Conflict - Part 2

by Lester Rennard

In the first part of this subject on how to resolve conflict, I introduced some general ideas and commented on what I believe to be the most effective approach to resolving interpersonal conflicts. In this second and final part, I will focus more attention on two processes, compromise and collaboration, by which many conflicts may be resolved.

I would like to re-emphasize that the goal in resolving conflicts should be to preserve and strengthen the relationships between the parties while searching for options that provide the best and most satisfying outcomes for all stakeholders after the resolution process is over. For this goal to be successfully accomplished, the parties will need to be resolute in their commitment to building a stronger relationship and to use the opportunity provided by the conflict to grow through the process.

It is important to bear in mind that a successful resolution is based on how well the parties are able to communicate with one another. Since a conflict suggests the existence of competing interests and wants, an ideal and successful resolution would forgo the temptation for a quick fix for solutions that will stand the test of time.

The first of the two processes involves any resolution that results from mutual compromise. In this process, the parties will negotiate tradeoffs and make concessions until they arrive at a workable solution. The solution may not be entirely ideal since it generally requires each party to settle for something less than what they really wanted in a process of give and take. What is ultimately decided on as a resolution is an arrangement that may not totally meet the full needs of both parties. They choose to live with the outcome for lack of finding a better solution.

As much as a compromised solution may sound reasonable, the reality however is that many agreements based on compromise are later regretted. One party may sometimes think that he or she has gotten the short end. A power imbalance may cause the stronger party to gain advantages at the expense of the other. One party may also become overwhelmed by the persuasiveness of the other and capitulates without giving consideration to the long term implication of what they are accepting as a resolution.

The one who feels taken in a compromised solution that falls short of bringing satisfaction may become resentful and sometimes resort to passive aggressive behaviors that undermine both the relationship and the terms of the agreement. Although a compromise may sometimes be the best resolution under certain circumstances, it is most often used as the process of choice by those sincerely desiring a favorable resolution to their conflict while not having the resourcefulness and creativity to expand their options beyond the surface.

For those individuals who desire real solutions to their conflicts and are not prepared to sacrifice legitimate needs by compromise, the process of collaboration provides the answer. The goal in this process is to avoid the quick fix and to arrive at an outcome that will meet the needs of the parties without their having to give up any thing. This results in a level of satisfaction that is much greater than the best compromise that could otherwise be generated.

Because of the nature of the collaborative process, it calls for the best skills in communication in order to generate the most rewarding outcome for resolving conflicts. There are certain characteristics that are typical of those who seek to resolve conflicts through this process. They are not afraid of conflict. They will not attempt to avoid it when confronted but will do everything in their power to prevent if from occurring.

They have the ability to separate the personalities from the problem and are more objective in their attempts at finding resolutions to conflicts. They know how to articulate their needs and how to use effective listening skills to explore and uncover the real issues, needs and interests behind the conflict and to easily connect with others. They find ways to get what they want while helping others to satisfy their own needs and interests. How do they go about doing so? How can you adopt these skills yourself? Here are some tips:

1. In seeking to resolve conflicts, speak for self. Since conflicts usually involve strong emotions, the problem solver will be careful to take ownership for his or her own issues, thoughts, feelings, wants and actions. I will express myself in ways such as, 'I felt betrayed, hurt and angry when you disclosed to someone else my personal information which we both understood was confidential' rather than, 'You betrayed me, you hurt me and made me angry by disclosing my personal information to someone else when you agreed to keep it confidential'.

2. Be clear about your own wants, needs and interests. The more clear you are about what you want, the better you will be at communicating it to others and the easier it will be for you to find options to meet those needs.

3. Consider the needs and interests of the other party. To be successful at resolving a conflict, you can not only be concerned about your own needs and interests but also those of the other party. The creative and resourceful person will explore options that will address the needs of both parties without anyone having to sacrifice or give up anything.

4. Show that you value the other party and the relationship and wish to preserve it. Give the other party the courtesy of a fair hearing. Listen attentively to their concerns, without being defensive or judgmental. Ask clarifying questions and seek to understand their issues completely. Test your understanding of the issues and concerns by acknowledging and summarizing what you believe you are hearing, then ask for confirmation or clarification.

5. Focus on the interests involved in the issue and not the positions. Since attempting to resolve conflicts on the basis of positions can easily lead to a statemate, it is important to understand the difference between interests and positions. Your interest defines your concerns, desires and wants while your position represents the means or strategies you may use in an attempt to obtain your needs or have your interests addressed. Conflicts are resolved when the real interests are identified and the appropriate options are generated to address those needs.

As an example, you may be offering an apartment for rent at $900 per month; you require $1500 as a security deposit. A prospective tenant with excellent credit is interested in your unit but has the month's rent and only $500 for deposit. What is your interest as a landlord for the deposit? You need the security and assurance that the tenant will fulfill the terms of the agreement and the $1500 gives you that security. The amount of $1500 however represents your position. Could the prospective tenant offer another way of providing you with the assurance you need of his/her intention to fulfill the terms of the agreement without the $1500 deposit? Sure! But if you are stuck on the figure of $1500, you may lose a prospect with an excellent track record who might turn out to be an excellent tenant who only has $500 to apply toward the security deposit. Do not mistake position for interest either on your side or the other party's.

6. Collaborate to generate options for resolution. After you have clearly articulated your needs and have listened and understood the needs of the other party, agree to join forces together to mutually explore options for a resolution that will provide the best outcome for both. This calls for creativity and resourcefulness in focusing your energies on generating the best options that will address both of your interests without either of you having to sacrifice any legitimate needs. It becomes a much easier process once interests and needs are clearly identified and defined.

7. Choose the best option for resolving the conflict and conduct a reality check. After selecting the best option(s), it is always a good idea to do a reality check to ensure that it is doable and will in fact resolve the conflict by satisfying the needs and interests of both parties.

This process of collaboration is the most efficient and reliable method of resolving conflicts while maintaining the integrity of the relationship between the parties involved. Whenever you face your next conflict, why not give this process a try?