Dealing With Difficult People

by Lester Rennard

Most of us have had to deal with difficult people more often than we desire. Your exacting boss, your teenage child who walks around in that bellicose mood, your quarrelsome spouse, the aggressive bill collector, that pugnacious neighbor, a duplicitious co-worker, that rude customer service representative or even that 'holier than thou saint' in your place of worship who feels called, though self-appointed, to straighten out those in the pew as well as in the pulpit who do not, in their outward appearances, comply with his or her own narrow minded interpretations of the 'rules'.

These individuals, even though they may sometimes mean well, can become a constant source of irritation and a pain to deal with. How you may co-exist and even enjoy some degree of meaningful relationship with such individuals, as warranted, without losing your sanity is the burden of this article.

The first rule of engagement when dealing with difficult people is your own ability to maintain self-control. It is important to keep in mind that the difficult person thrives on keeping others off balance and on the defensive. You will therefore be able to think more clearly, make the right choices and take more appropriate actions when you stay on the offensive and refuse to be forced into a defensive stance.

The power to maintain self-control under the most difficult circumstances starts with ones own sense of self-awareness. Your awareness of who you are, your strengths, weaknesses, insecurities and limitations must be understood through a process of self discovery on your own or with professional help, to place you in a position of self-control. You must be able to be on the winning side in fighting your internal battles before you are able to win your external wars.

Your self-awareness should lead you on the path to developing emotional intelligence by acquiring the self-management and social skills that will make you more proactive in dealing with negative people and circumstances with the aim to positively influence and transform their attitudes and behaviors. You will learn to take responsibility for your own actions and to deflect the attempts of others to impose and project their own insecurities on you.

When you are able to develop your own self-awareness and to manage your own emotions, you will then be in a better position to deal with difficult people and even be better able to co-exist and enjoy some meaningful relationship with those with whom you must. When confronted by difficult individuals, you will not absorb their negative current to energize you but you will look beyond their surface attitudes and positions to uncover their real issues and then focus your attention on addressing the issues.

Most people will find it difficult to continue their belligerent attitudes toward you when they observe you not reacting to them but rather making sincere efforts to understand their real issues with the motive to help them find resolution. They will soon realize that they are fighting a battle only against themselves as you refuse to engage them in a verbal duel. Your self-possession and determination to join forces with them will lead them to lay their weapons down and to seek to cooperate with you instead.

Of course, it would be naive to think that every difficult person with whom you come in contact will change negative attitudes and positions in the face of your dogged determination to be positively proactive. The problem is theirs, not yours.

The secret you've discovered in dealing with difficult people summarized is: first develop your own self-awareness, acquire emotional intelligence by learning and mastering the skills of self-management and social interactions, deflect the attempts of others to impose and project on you their own insecurities, always maintain your offensive and then look beyond the surface attitudes and positions of the difficult individuals to uncover their real issues and make it your aim to come alongside them to help them find resolutions.

When you adopt this approach in dealing with difficult people, whether they may be found within the cloistered confines of your home or in the marketplace of life, you will find more peace within yourself and will be on the road to winning friends and influencing people by transforming your villians into allies.