Why We Misunderstand One Another

by Lester Rennard

A misunderstanding by definition is a failure to understand and a misinterpretation of a message being communicated. The mere existence of a misunderstanding means that an obvious but unsuccessful attempt was made by the parties involved to connect. The attempt fails indicating that there are problems existing within their communication channel that are preventing the transmission and reception of a clear message. The implication therefore, is that individuals who experience misunderstandings in their relationships do have some degree of caring for one another but lack effective communication techniques and skills to make meaningful and satisfying connections.

The point of emphasis is that misunderstanding only occurs with individuals who are in some form of relationship in which at least one party cares enough about the other to wanting to make connection, but a lack in skills of communication frustrates their attempts to send and receive messages to and from each other. When people do not have caring feelings and attitudes for one another, they do not have any desire to make connections and therefore no reason for misunderstanding. Since they are not attempting to communicate, there is no message to misinterpret or misunderstand.

When teaching communication and conflict resolution skills to couples, I have often heard at least one party in a relationship express the frustration that they experience a lot of misunderstandings in their relationship because the other party does not care. The party being accused of not caring will invariably become visibly disturbed and defensive while demanding to know why they are making so many sacrifices for their family if they did not care. More often than not, it is the wife who will be expressing the concern that her husband does not care. I may allow the exchange to continue between them for a while in order to observe and get an idea of how they really communicate.

I will usually observe clear indications of poor communication and conflict resolution skills. When I inquire of the wife, in such instances, to explain why she believes her husband does not care, she will usually share and describe many examples and illustrations of what she concludes to be evidences of uncaring attitudes. Such attitudes will include an avoidance of dealing with issues when they arise, being always defensive when confronted with legitimate concerns, not wanting to talk or share with her, having little to say, secretive and always tuning her out when she tries to talk. In addition, they will often get into verbal fights and arguments over misunderstandings involving his accusing her of saying something to him that he misinterpreted and she did not say, and vice-versa. There will often be no serious issues about his efforts at trying to meet the lifestyle needs of the family.

All of the above examples are usually symptoms of a communication problem rather than an issue of lack of care. When I share this observation, the husband will usually become more relieved and delighted to know that somebody is able to see that the problem in their relationship is not that he does not care - and that to the contrary, there is evidence that he does indeed care. He will then usually admit that the real problem is one of a lack of communication and conflict resolution skills that they need to work on and which he is willing to work toward acquiring.

I have seen couples on the verge of breaking up because one thinks that since he is constantly being accused of not caring despite his efforts, there is no reason to continue the relationship, change courses after realizing the real cause of their problems. It can be really frustrating and discouraging when one feels under attack and being accused of something for which he knows in his heart that the opposite is true, but yet cannot articulate his position and so shuts down and feels forced to give up.

When two parties are attempting to communicate, they initiate a process of transmitting and receiving of messages and information. Misunderstanding occurs when at least one of the following events is at work:

i. They are not properly connected to the same channel. Both parties need to be tuned in to one another emotionally to be able to send, receive, decode and understand the messages and signals that go back and forth.

ii. The messages and signals are not clear. If the messages and signals are not clearly articulated, or if there are mixed messages being transmitted, there will be misinterpretation that results in misunderstandings and frustrations for both parties.

iii. The parties are speaking different languages. If one party cannot relate to or understand the 'language' of the other, they set themselves up for major misunderstandings. Differences in culture, gender, frame of reference, generation and life experiences can create artificial barriers to the correct interpretation of messages and signals in communication.

iv. The receiving party gets distracted. To fully understand the messages and signals being sent, the receiving party must hear the complete message. If there are factors such as tiredness, preoccupation, boredom, physical or emotional distress or lack of interest that cause distraction, the receiver will not hear the complete message and may cause a misunderstanding by acting on an incomplete or distorted version of the message being transmitted. It is wise to contract for a more favorable time to communicate if there are factors existing that could derail and cause distractions in any attempt at engaging in meaningful communication.

In summary, we misunderstand one another when we are in some form of relationship in which we care and desire to make meaningful connection but lack the skills and techniques for effective communication and conflict resolution.

Copyright (C) 2006 by Lester Rennard. All Rights Reserved