How to Resolve Parent-Teen Transition Conflict

By Lester Rennard

For many parents, the teen years of their children's lives are a period most fraught with the worst of misunderstanding, miscommunication, misjudgment and conflict. It is a delicate period in which their children who once were adorable angels suddenly seem to be transforming themselves into monsters that the parents can not easily recognize. They tend to be touchy, defensive, rebellious and defiant of the parental authority they once obeyed.

Not only are the parents seeing their teens transforming in characters with much to be desired, but the teens, themselves, are also perceiving their parents in a different light. For many teens who are having difficulty managing their transition from childhood to adulthood, their parents are now being perceived as mean, controlling ogres and ogresses who are on a mission to obliterate the words 'fun' and 'independence' out of their vocabulary and experience.

During this period of growth and transition, teens are desiring to separate themselves from the psychological umbilical cord that still connects them to their parents in search of their own identity and independence. This adventure reorients their interest, attention and sense of loyalty from the family unit to their peers on the outside. While in this state, they struggle with a discomfiting paradox - the need for their parents for their sustenance and the need to detach themselves from their parents to develop their own independence.

While this conflict is brewing in the minds of their teens, parents sense the transformation and the drift and those who do not understand or are unprepared for this sudden phenomenon, react with an application of more control to bring their faltering child back in line. The teen senses this added control as an effort to foil its natural need and desire for independence. At this juncture where the exertion of parental control converges with the teen's efforts to establishing its own independence, the natural result is conflict that can easily descend into open hostility or an unholy mayhem if not properly handled.

To avoid a breakdown in the relationship between parents and teens at this critical period of transition, it is important for both parties to understand the dynamics of the transition itself and their need for mutual adjustment in their perceptions and expectations. On one hand, parents need to understand the natural changes taking place in their teens and rather than perceiving these changes as threatening and thus reacting with more control, they should accept them as a normal process of growth and development and adjust their own expectations and parenting methods to accommodate the process.

On the other hand, teens need to also seek to understand the impact that their transition and the paradox it creates are having on their parents. They should seek to establish a better level of open communication with their parents and help them to understand their new need for independence and self-identity. They may best serve their own interest by learning to negotiate win-win solutions and demonstrate through reassurance and conduct that they truly deserve the accommodations their parents are offering. This can best be done by demonstrating a sense of responsibility and maturity.

By establishing contracts, mutual respect and recognition of rights and responsibilities along with flexibility, both parents and teens may navigate the seemingly treacherous waters of the teen transitional years with a sense of challenge and adventure, rather than seeking to engage the assistance of the peacekeeping forces of the United Nations to keep order in the family.

Is Laughter Really The Best Medicine?

by Lester Rennard

King Solomon, the famous Old Testament biblical character, must have known from his own personal experience the medicinal value of laughter. He is thought to be the wisest and wealthiest of men ever lived. As an aside, it is only unfortunate that his wisdom did not seem to extend into the arena of curbing his penchant and appetite for women and polygamous living. Notwithstanding, Solomon knew how to laugh.

In some of his famous reflections on wisdom, he issued some very profound observations and statements on laughter. In one such observation, he commented that there is a time for everything under the sun including a time for laughter. In another statement, he observed that "a cheerful [or merry] heart is good medicine". Such words do not ordinarily come from one who does not know from experience the value of laughter.

It is interesting to note that modern science has proven Solomon right - laughter is indeed good medicine. When a person laughs often, it produces a secretion in the brain known as endorphin which influences the general state of 'good feelings' that positively affects our wellbeing. When one is in such positive state, he or she feels good about themselves, their self-esteem is boosted, self-confidence elevated and their immune system positively impacted making for less susceptibility to certain illnesses and diseases. If a person is not in the best state of health, he or she will experience healing and recovery much faster.

Laughter is a good antidote for depression and any feeling of hopelessness. It improves the appearance of one's countenance and attracts positive responses from those with whom one relates. When practiced often and effortlessly, laughter maintains one's youthful appearance far into his or her senior years and also improves longevity. It makes for good public relations and inspires the same in others who are within the radius of its influence.

The one who laughs often and easily is better able at controlling negative emotions, is less uptight and not easily offended by the slights of others. He or she, while taking life seriously, does not usually take him/herself seriously and thus not naturally disposed to the ravages of stress.

So, in conclusion, if you desire health, long life, an attractive personality that makes you winsome and approachable along with the privilege of positively influencing others, good relations and a shining star, develop the art of laughter. Learn to laugh often at yourself and your foibles and the world will laugh back with you. With every laugh, maybe you and I might change this world into a kinder, gentler place to live - one laugh at a time. Laughter, indeed, is the best medicine and it requires no prescription; and best of all, it is free of cost.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ....

The Danger of Judging Without Access to All The Facts

by Lester Rennard

One very important lesson I learned at a very early stage in life is the lack of wisdom demonstrated when one judges another without first having access to all the facts. Yet it is a very common fault that many people do have. They jump to conclusions, sometimes on just the basis of appearances, and impute motives to others and become their judge, jury and executioner without any provision for a defense or an appeal.

The grave danger in judging others without first knowing all the facts is the reality that things are not always what they appear to be on the surface. When we use faulty premises to judge someone, we can do serious damage to that individual's reputation that no amount of later regrets or efforts at damage control may ever be able to remove the dark clouds cast over the victim. It is therefore imperative that if our judgment is have merit, we must first examine ourselves, motives and objectivity, thoroughly investigate the allegations or matters at hand, obtain all the facts, correctly interpret these facts and give the person accused an opportunity for defense.

If one is not willing to consider all the above before passing judgment, such individual is not qualified or capable of so doing. We do not have the capability of reading someone's mind to come to a definitive conclusion of guilt or innocence. One may have partial information or insight into a given matter but that is not usually enough to form the basis for fair judgment.

While sitting on the bench, judges are concerned that the court be provided with all the relevant evidence available involving the cases in which justice is being sought. When this evidence is not forthcoming, the outcome of affected cases may not always be reliable or just. Although circumstantial evidence may be allowed, a court will always prefer cases in which the evidence is irrefutable. As one who is engaged in the settlement of disputes and must examine evidence before dispensing justice that may affect the lives and fortune of the parties in dispute, I have a personal appreciation for the value of having access to and understanding of the facts, evidence and context before arriving at a conclusion that will influence how I determine the outcome.

In our personal interactions with one another, it is necessary for the sake of fairness in judgment that we do not only know all the facts in a given situation, but that we know how to interpret these facts in the proper context and not just rely only on our own perceptions. When one's life and reputation are on the line and the direction in which the pendulum swings depends on us, it becomes more critical for us to be diligent in our efforts to being fair and just in our understanding and interpretation of the issues before passing judgment.

In the realms of spiritual matters that involve a person's relationship with God, there is a definite danger when one individual sets him/herself up to judge the spirituality of another on the basis of their own parochial religious views. God alone knows the truth that lies buried within a person's heart and unless that individual's actions speak from 'out of the abundance of the heart', one is on safer ground to avoid judging another's motive and leave such judgment in the hands of the celestial supreme Judge.

How to Find Contentment in Simplicity

by Lester Rennard

Since my early years of youth, I have enjoyed the study of philosophy especially in those areas having to do with logic, maxims and truisms. I have also created a few philosophical statements of my own as I observe life, human nature, the natural world and the way things are. One that is relevant to the topic of this article states that, 'One of the greatest achievements of humanity is our ability to complicate simplicity'. I believe that the business of living was meant to be simple but we have made our lives more complex than what is really warranted.

A few years ago, I spoke to a group on the topic of how to simplify our lives. While contemplating the topic in preparation for my delivery, I was moved to think of how simple life was meant to be. I thought of how much less stress we would encounter and how much easier it would be for us to live at peace with ourselves and with others. In considering a life of simplicity, one biblical writer stated that "godliness with contentment is great gain" and that he has determined that in whatever state he is in, he has learned to be contented.

The goal for a life of simplicity is to commit to living a healthy life free from worry and unnecessary cares by choosing to live within one's means and not having to measure up to the materialistic standards and expectations of others. It requires the discipline of having all decisions and choices based on your values rather than by any other standards not compatible with your ideals. This goal will also translate into avoiding unnecessary debts and the desire for obtaining things for the purpose of attempting to impress others.

Contentment does not mean that one should avoid striving for excellence or settling for mediocrity. The values by which we choose to build our lives should be based upon the foundation of excellence. This passion for excellence means that I will prepare myself to become what God designed and intended for me to be. By setting realistic goals for his or her life, one will be able to accomplish whatever he or she determines to be appropriate while not being weighted down with discontent.

The fact that our world is shrinking very fast into what appears to be one global interconnected village does not necessarily mean that things may be getting simpler. There are more choices and appeals for us to acquire whatever we desire and deal with the costs and consequences later. If one were to blindly succumb to this kind of prodding without having first built a foundation, the consequences would far outweigh the benefits.

Contentment in simplicity, therefore, requires that one be realistic about life and its demands, refuse to live by the materialistic standards and expectations of others, strive for excellence in whatever one does, avoid the debt trap, be always thankful and be at peace with one's self, God and fellowmen.

How to Find Happiness Without Pursuing It

by Lester Rennard

Happiness becomes elusive and refuses to surrender when aggressively pursued but begs for acceptance from those who in contentment and at peace with themselves, yield to its request to enter their innermost sanctuary. Sounds philosophical ? That's the idea, but my question is, are you in search of happiness and how are you going about trying to find it?

Many people unfortunately spend their lives moving from one relationship to another in search of happiness. There are others who are constantly going after the biggest house in the neighborhood, the flashiest car, the latest gadget and the fanciest outfit all in an effort to find happiness. They reason that if they can find that right person to make them happy, they would be at peace, or if they could just make more money or win the lottery or acquire that special thing that their hearts desire, they would be happy.

The truth is happiness is never found when pursued. One can not find happiness by chasing after it. The more it is chased the more elusive it becomes and when one feels that it is just within arms reach and grabs at it, it disappears. Happiness is a quality that can never be found in anything material or external. It is an internal force that often casts its shadow on the outside. When one chases after happiness, what he or she is actually doing is pursuing the shadow of happiness and that is why it is so elusive. You can not grasp a shadow, it will always elude you.

So to find happiness, one must look for it within oneself. You cannot make another person happy nor can anyone else make you happy. Many marriages and other relationships have fallen along the wayside because someone suffered bitter disappointment after failing to find the happiness they thought they could find in another person. The source of happiness is resident within each of us and it longs to reveal itself to us if we would just look within our own hearts to find it rather than in anything or anyone external. Being at peace with God and one's fellowmen, and living in a state of contentment, one may find that peace that defies understanding that forms the foundation of that inner wellspring of personal happiness.

In personal contentment and peace regardless of what is brewing outside of me, I find my happiness. My happiness is not dependent on the state of my bank account or the turmoils around me over which I have no control. I alone determine whether or not I choose to embrace happiness or allow any external force to rob me of this necessary state of wellbeing. The reality is that I may be affected by forces outside of me such as the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, the loss of a valuable relationship or financial reversals, but the impact these circumstances may have on my happiness is determined by me alone.

Another quality of happiness is that it is magnetic. Just as misery likes company so does happiness like company. A miserable person will usually try to share his or her misery with others who are usually also miserable. A person who has discovered the source of happiness in his or her own soul will naturally desire to share such happiness with another or others who are also relishing in their own self-contained source of happiness.

The happiest and most healthy relationships are between individuals who are each happy in themselves before seeking to make such connections. A person who is single or intimately unattached and unhappy will be just as unhappy if he or she were to become involved in a relationship or marriage. The goal is to find your own happiness before seeking a relationship with another; otherwise you may be tempted to want to make that individual responsible for your happiness - an impossible feat.

So, for a word of caution, if you have discovered and are basking in the sunshine of your own internal source of happiness and someone desiring to enter into a relationship with you and is attempting to make you responsible for his or her happiness, spread your wings and take flight before you are caged with those wings clipped and you no longer are able to use them.