How To Resolve Conflict - Part 2

by Lester Rennard

In the first part of this subject on how to resolve conflict, I introduced some general ideas and commented on what I believe to be the most effective approach to resolving interpersonal conflicts. In this second and final part, I will focus more attention on two processes, compromise and collaboration, by which many conflicts may be resolved.

I would like to re-emphasize that the goal in resolving conflicts should be to preserve and strengthen the relationships between the parties while searching for options that provide the best and most satisfying outcomes for all stakeholders after the resolution process is over. For this goal to be successfully accomplished, the parties will need to be resolute in their commitment to building a stronger relationship and to use the opportunity provided by the conflict to grow through the process.

It is important to bear in mind that a successful resolution is based on how well the parties are able to communicate with one another. Since a conflict suggests the existence of competing interests and wants, an ideal and successful resolution would forgo the temptation for a quick fix for solutions that will stand the test of time.

The first of the two processes involves any resolution that results from mutual compromise. In this process, the parties will negotiate tradeoffs and make concessions until they arrive at a workable solution. The solution may not be entirely ideal since it generally requires each party to settle for something less than what they really wanted in a process of give and take. What is ultimately decided on as a resolution is an arrangement that may not totally meet the full needs of both parties. They choose to live with the outcome for lack of finding a better solution.

As much as a compromised solution may sound reasonable, the reality however is that many agreements based on compromise are later regretted. One party may sometimes think that he or she has gotten the short end. A power imbalance may cause the stronger party to gain advantages at the expense of the other. One party may also become overwhelmed by the persuasiveness of the other and capitulates without giving consideration to the long term implication of what they are accepting as a resolution.

The one who feels taken in a compromised solution that falls short of bringing satisfaction may become resentful and sometimes resort to passive aggressive behaviors that undermine both the relationship and the terms of the agreement. Although a compromise may sometimes be the best resolution under certain circumstances, it is most often used as the process of choice by those sincerely desiring a favorable resolution to their conflict while not having the resourcefulness and creativity to expand their options beyond the surface.

For those individuals who desire real solutions to their conflicts and are not prepared to sacrifice legitimate needs by compromise, the process of collaboration provides the answer. The goal in this process is to avoid the quick fix and to arrive at an outcome that will meet the needs of the parties without their having to give up any thing. This results in a level of satisfaction that is much greater than the best compromise that could otherwise be generated.

Because of the nature of the collaborative process, it calls for the best skills in communication in order to generate the most rewarding outcome for resolving conflicts. There are certain characteristics that are typical of those who seek to resolve conflicts through this process. They are not afraid of conflict. They will not attempt to avoid it when confronted but will do everything in their power to prevent if from occurring.

They have the ability to separate the personalities from the problem and are more objective in their attempts at finding resolutions to conflicts. They know how to articulate their needs and how to use effective listening skills to explore and uncover the real issues, needs and interests behind the conflict and to easily connect with others. They find ways to get what they want while helping others to satisfy their own needs and interests. How do they go about doing so? How can you adopt these skills yourself? Here are some tips:

1. In seeking to resolve conflicts, speak for self. Since conflicts usually involve strong emotions, the problem solver will be careful to take ownership for his or her own issues, thoughts, feelings, wants and actions. I will express myself in ways such as, 'I felt betrayed, hurt and angry when you disclosed to someone else my personal information which we both understood was confidential' rather than, 'You betrayed me, you hurt me and made me angry by disclosing my personal information to someone else when you agreed to keep it confidential'.

2. Be clear about your own wants, needs and interests. The more clear you are about what you want, the better you will be at communicating it to others and the easier it will be for you to find options to meet those needs.

3. Consider the needs and interests of the other party. To be successful at resolving a conflict, you can not only be concerned about your own needs and interests but also those of the other party. The creative and resourceful person will explore options that will address the needs of both parties without anyone having to sacrifice or give up anything.

4. Show that you value the other party and the relationship and wish to preserve it. Give the other party the courtesy of a fair hearing. Listen attentively to their concerns, without being defensive or judgmental. Ask clarifying questions and seek to understand their issues completely. Test your understanding of the issues and concerns by acknowledging and summarizing what you believe you are hearing, then ask for confirmation or clarification.

5. Focus on the interests involved in the issue and not the positions. Since attempting to resolve conflicts on the basis of positions can easily lead to a statemate, it is important to understand the difference between interests and positions. Your interest defines your concerns, desires and wants while your position represents the means or strategies you may use in an attempt to obtain your needs or have your interests addressed. Conflicts are resolved when the real interests are identified and the appropriate options are generated to address those needs.

As an example, you may be offering an apartment for rent at $900 per month; you require $1500 as a security deposit. A prospective tenant with excellent credit is interested in your unit but has the month's rent and only $500 for deposit. What is your interest as a landlord for the deposit? You need the security and assurance that the tenant will fulfill the terms of the agreement and the $1500 gives you that security. The amount of $1500 however represents your position. Could the prospective tenant offer another way of providing you with the assurance you need of his/her intention to fulfill the terms of the agreement without the $1500 deposit? Sure! But if you are stuck on the figure of $1500, you may lose a prospect with an excellent track record who might turn out to be an excellent tenant who only has $500 to apply toward the security deposit. Do not mistake position for interest either on your side or the other party's.

6. Collaborate to generate options for resolution. After you have clearly articulated your needs and have listened and understood the needs of the other party, agree to join forces together to mutually explore options for a resolution that will provide the best outcome for both. This calls for creativity and resourcefulness in focusing your energies on generating the best options that will address both of your interests without either of you having to sacrifice any legitimate needs. It becomes a much easier process once interests and needs are clearly identified and defined.

7. Choose the best option for resolving the conflict and conduct a reality check. After selecting the best option(s), it is always a good idea to do a reality check to ensure that it is doable and will in fact resolve the conflict by satisfying the needs and interests of both parties.

This process of collaboration is the most efficient and reliable method of resolving conflicts while maintaining the integrity of the relationship between the parties involved. Whenever you face your next conflict, why not give this process a try?