What Makes Relationships Secure

by Lester Rennard

Why do we as individuals start, enter into and terminate relationships? Why are relationships so important to our wellbeing? Why is it that some relationships are more important to us than others? What is it that makes some relationships so fulfilling that we'll make any sacrifices to hang on to them while at the same time being driven to swim across the shark-infested ocean to get away from others?

When God created Adam and placed him in the Garden of Eden, He said it was not good for man to be alone and so created a partner of a different gender that would complement him. Adam called his new partner, woman and named her Eve. The Creator gave them instructions including the responsibility for continuing His creative plan through a process of procreation in which they both, joined together as one, would reproduce offspring just like themselves. That was the beginning of human relationships. It must also be noted that the Creator Himself initiated a divine-human relationship which involved regular fellowship and communion with Adam and Eve whom He created in His own image.

We were not meant as individuals to exist in isolation. We are designed to exist in community with others and to find our fulfillment within the context of the relationships we share. Relationships are formed to meet needs and to the extent to which these needs are met will determine how much importance we place on these relationships. Whenever a relationship fails to continue meeting the needs for which it was formed, it no longer brings fulfillment, becomes a liability and if it cannot be re-energized and restored, there is a natural desire to terminate and replace it for another that will serve the intended purpose.

Relationships by nature are hierarchical. Because we enter into relationships to meet needs and our needs themselves are hierarchical, we form relationships and base their ranking, importance and the energy and resources we invest in them on the ranking of the needs we intend for them to meet. Some of the major needs for which we form relationships to address include spiritual, emotional, family, social, community, intellectual and identity.

One of the greatest needs we have is the spiritual need for having some form of connection with our source. I believe God Himself created within us that yearning to be in relationship and communion with Him as our source. It is such an indispensible need that even when one may try to ignore it and attempt to fill that need with substitutes on the material level, they can never find true fulfillment. That vertical divine-human relationship that started from the beginning of creation stands at the apex of our hierarchy of needs and also provides the basis and forms the axis upon which all other relationships find their true purpose and meaning. This level of relationship provides security for us when by our exercise of faith, we grow to trust God and enjoy a regular communion of fellowship with Him.

Our highest human need for relationship on the horizontal level is that to fulfill our emotional needs. We form committed, intimate relationships with our opposite gender, enjoy the spiritual, emotional and physical benefits that such a union provides and the creation and nuturing of another level of need we call family. In this relationship, security and fulfullment are found when a man and a woman commit their lives together in an exclusive life-long union of acceptance, mutual respect, love, care, and the mutual and self-less sharing together of themselves in a way that no other relationship can substitute. The security in this relationship is lost when one or both begin to focus on their own self-interest, start taking the other for granted, abandon the exclusivity of the relationship and the love and acceptance they once shared for each other.

We also form relationships to meet needs for social friendship and connection with others at different levels based largely on common interests. In these relationships, we do not seek for exclusivity but we find value and security in acceptance, loyalty, dependability, accessibility, encouragement, trustworthiness and non-judgmental support. The security in this form of relationship is lost when any of the above features and qualities ceases to exist.

Our natural desire to establish a sense of identity will lead us to find acceptance in groups that share the same goals and desires as we do. Youngsters who are in the period of adolescence and who feel misunderstood, rejected and unable to 'fit in' may consider themselves as outcasts, become rebellious and join gangs with others like themselves who have similar experiences, in an effort to find acceptance. Even though the purpose of these gangs may not be positive, their members will justify their involvement and blind loyalty to them because they find the acceptance, sense of identity and security, though a false one, that they could not find at home or within the established norms of society.

The common thread that runs through the fabric of any kind of relationship we desire or become a part of is our human desire for love and/or acceptance. Whether the nature of the relationship is positive or negative, if one finds the love and/or acceptance they are looking for, they will usually find a way to justify their need of belonging. Whenever the feeling of love and/or acceptance are no longer evident, the relationship no longer provides security and some form of decision will be made to either attempt to restore the relationship to what it was before or to move on and find a replacement that will once more satisfy the existing need.

Copyright (c)2006 by Lester Rennard, All Rights Reserved.