The Biggest Challenge to Effective Communication

by Lester Rennard

Our natural tendency when we are engaged in a conversation with another person is to focus so much attention on our own input and interest that we often fail to hear what the other person is trying to say. The result is usually misunderstanding and frustration that create unnecessary conflict. Do you find yourself guilty of thinking about what you are going to say or how you're going to respond to your conversation partner even before the person is finished speaking? Are you sometimes forced to scrap your mentally prepared response after realizing that you missed the point of what is being shared and your response would completely be inappropriate?

You, no doubt, might have fallen into this trap at one time or another and can therefore identify with the above scenarios. For many others, focusing on their own thoughts and response instead of on what is being shared by their partners in a conversation is a perennial problem that makes them very ineffective communicators. If you find yourself guilty of being wrapped up in your own thoughts when you should be listening and it happens more often than you would care to admit, here's an idea that might help you to become a much better communicator and delightful conversationalist.

First, it is important to remind yourself that communication is not all about you having your say. It is about first seeking to understand the other person's point of view before demanding to be understood. You earn the right to be heard and understood by your partner when you offer him or her the respect and courtesy of hearing what they have to say.

The best way to do so is to practice active listening. When someone engages you into a conversation or discussion in which you choose to participate, determine to give the speaker your full attention. You will need to suspend your own thoughts on how you are going to respond and instead observe the person's body language, tone of voice and other non-verbal expressions, since such non-verbal expressions constitute a greater part of what's being communicated than what is actually verbalized. Listen to what is not being said just as much as you are focusing on what is being verbalized. Enter into the person's experience by exploring and following, rather than attempting to lead, as he or she expresses his or her thoughts, shares feelings and wants. Acknowledge what you believe you are hearing and observing and occasionally summarize what is being said for clarification and allow your partner to confirm your understanding or to make corrections.

Do not be too anxious to make a point by interrupting the person or changing the subject. It is very much in order to ask questions for further information or clarification regarding the issue that your partner is addressing after he or she has fully shared their story. It is only when your partner is finished sharing and is convinced by your attentive listening, demonstrated by your expressions and attempts of gaining understanding through your acknowledgements, summarizations and requests for further information and clarification that you may respond by sharing your own thoughts.

If you should adopt and practice this attitude of active listening, you would virtually eliminate any chance for misunderstanding, prevent unnecessary conflicts and gain mastery over the biggest challenge to effective communication. The final payoff is that you would earn the reciprocal right to be heard and understood by your partner, and your conversations and communication would bring mutual satisfaction and fulfillment.