How to Resolve Conflict - Part 1

by Lester Rennard

The subject of how to resolve conflict is such a broad one that it is beyond the scope and limitation of this medium to fully address. The approach to conflict resolution, including methods and techniques, is generally determined by the nature of the conflict to be resolved. For instance, the approach to resolving a contract dispute between two corporations will be different from the approach to resolving a personal conflict between a wife and husband or the account balance dispute between a debtor and a creditor. For the purpose of concluding this series on personal conflict, I will focus my attention on the resolution of interpersonal conflicts between one individual and another. This will be done in two parts.

When we experience a personal conflict, our first natural response is one that is emotional. We may express this emotional response in various ways such as anger, frustration, fear, hostility, indifference, sadness, confusion, withdrawal or an attempt to conceal or suppress our true feelings. We may want to fight back, lash out, seek revenge, get even or just to have our 'why' questions answered. When the dust finally settles, we will ultimately desire to find some resolution and assurance that the issue is put behind us and we can move on with the business of living.

As we previously established, a conflict is not necessarily negative and one's perception of conflict will determine or influence the outcome. The outcome may either be a successful resolution that satisfies the parties involved, a compromise through mutual concessions, an avoidance of the conflict through denial, gloss over and minimization, arguments that end in deadlock or the issue that created the conflict may just resolve itself.

The best approach to resolving a conflict is to first acknowledge the conflict and then identify, establish and define the issues surrounding it. This is best done when the parties involved mutually agree to separate the issues from the personalities in order to make the process more objective. When the issues are separated from the individuals, an opportunity is created for the parties to easier find ways to collaborate for a more successful outcome. It also reduces the desire to maintain a defensive stance or to make personal attacks.

Once the issues are placed on the table and are clearly defined and understood, the search for solution will usually revolve around the identification and reconciliation of interests, wants, desires or expectations. This calls for effective skills in communication - the ability to articulate one's needs and interests and to listen, interpret and confirm both verbal and non-verbal exchanges. The best process that leads to the most successful outcomes is one by which the parties jointly collaborate to generate options to address and meet the needs that precipitated the conflict.

Depending on the nature of the conflict, there may be the need to negotiate for arrangements and adjustments that will mutually meet the needs of the parties involved. As an example, a conflict may arise between spouses where both work outside the home and are not able to find time for each other or even to address routine domestic household needs. They both need the two paychecks to maintain their standard of living and to feel a sense of mutual contribution to the financial needs of their family. Their separate careers also give them a sense of fulfillment.

A creative way to resolve this conflict so that both partners may find more time to spend with each other, get domestic matters under control, continue to maintain their standard of living and fulfillment in their individual careers is to negotiate for an adjustment in one or both of their work arrangements. They may negotiate with their employers to allow for them to work three days at the office and the other two days at home. The time saved in commuting back and forth from the office for the two days working at home will free up time for them to spend together and to address their domestic affairs. They face no loss in income and standard of living, maintain their careers and are more fulfilled in their relationship. An ideal win-win solution.

A less creative couple would build up resentment toward each other, begin withdrawing further away until it ends up in open hostility that results in separation or divorce. This less creative couple perceives the conflict as negative and reacts accordingly. They fail to identify, define and understand the real issue and thus seeing each other as the problem. Since the goal is to get rid of the problem, they end up getting rid of each other. The first couple, on the other hand, sees the conflict as an opportunity to get creative and to collaborate for a solution that satisfies their mutual needs.

Though one may not be able to avoid the initial emotional response at the onset of a conflict, it is important for the sake of finding resolution and maintaining relationships that each party maintains control over how these emotions are expressed.

[To be continued...]