Friday, May 26, 2006

How To Live By The Golden Rule

by Lester Rennard

Sometime ago I was sharing the biblical story of what we have come to call the Golden Rule with a group of elementary-age children in the children's story section of a church worship service. Before I shared the story, I asked the kids if anyone knew what the Golden Rule was all about. One little fellow about eight or nine years old quickly put his hand up and I placed the microphone to his mouth to hear his answer. With much poise and confidence, the young boy spoke up, "He who has the gold, makes the rule". The congregation erupted into uncontrollable laughter. When I recovered my composure, I remarked to him that he was already well on his way to becoming a very successful capitalist.

Since this article is most likely being read by others more mature and knowledgeable than an eight or nine year-old, I believe you're already acquainted with the non-capitalist version of the Golden Rule. It teaches that one must be willing to do for others what he would expect others to do to and for him. Jesus was sharing this concept with His audience after explaining God's willingness to give good gifts to those who ask, even moreso than how parents are willing to give good things to their own children.

How do you expect others to treat you in any given situation? What about your spouse, children, parents, siblings, in-laws, neighbors, co-workers, employer, creditors, debtors and your fellow worshipers? How do you desire for them to relate to you? Do you expect for them to be kind, respectful, considerate, loving, caring, accepting, thankful and affirming to you as warranted? The Golden Rule requires that the very same qualities that you expect to see in others as they relate to you, you should proactively express to them.

For example, as a parent, if you expect your children to show respect for you, you should be the one to set the example by relating to them with respect. If you desire your spouse to demonstrate a caring attitude toward you, you should establish that expectation by relating to that spouse in a caring way. If you wish for your in-laws
to be accepting of you, you should let that wish be known by demonstrating your acceptance of them. If you want your neighbors to be considerate of you, you should reinforce that desire by showing consideration for them.

Unfortunately however, most of us tend to 'put the cart before the horse'. We expect to see others showing us the consideration we think we deserve, before we are willing to act accordingly. We desire our spouses to prove their love and care for us before we are willing to show that we love and care for them. We want our children to first show respect for us before we give respect to them. We expect our fellow worshiper in the pew next to us to first show courtesy by speaking to us, before we are willing to demonstrate our Christian love to them by sharing.

How much better our homes, communities, places of worship, workplaces, nation and our world would be if we all take heed to the Golden Rule. The youngster at the beginning of this article was very much reflecting the reality of our global village.
He was defining the rule of the jungle rather than the Golden Rule since that rule gives power and control to the one who has the 'substance', and he gets to set the rules by which everyone else plays. He, however, is not obligated to play by the same rules he sets for others.

Jesus knew very well what He was talking about. To have peace with others, be the first to offer the olive branch. Whatever you desire or expect from others, be the first to offer to them. In so doing, you can justifiably expect a better home for your family, a safer community for your residence, a friendlier church in which to worship, a safer country in which to live and a kinder, gentler world in which to co-exist. Now that you know these things, go and do thou likewise.

Monday, May 22, 2006

The Language of Nonverbal Communication

by Lester Rennard

It is a universal truth that communication is more than just words. We have often heard that actions speak louder than words. It is also true that the greater volume of the message we wish to communicate to others is done nonverbally than through what we verbalize. Ladies, without any offense intended, I can hear some men questioning the validity of this statement. Hint - those who think that the women in their lives are gifted with an overabundance of words and even in their sleep they continue to talk??

We all began our process of communicating long before we were ever capable of uttering words. Expectant mothers are convinced that their unborn do communicate with them through their kicking and turning. I am not sure if what they are trying to say is 'get me out of here, it's too dark in here!' or something of the sort. When they are born, they immediately announce their presence with the method of communication they will be using for sometime to come. They want you to become acquainted with their language so that you will know the difference when they say, 'I want my DIAPER CHANGED NOW!' or 'I need to be FED THIS MINUTE!' or 'I am v-e-r-y happy this minute and I just want to p-l-a-y' or 'I want some ATTENTION NOW and I DON'T CARE whether you are in the mood or not; after all, I did not choose to be here, you made that choice for me, so you better RESPOND IMMEDIATELY WHEN I WANT YOU!!'

It is not surprising or unnatural then that we all have a much more developed ability to communicate nonverbally than through verbal speech. Yet, despite this fact, we often fail to capitalize on the use of our most innate method of communication to understand one another. We tend to limit our understanding of others by focusing our attention on the words they speak, yet miss out on the golden opportunity represented by these words, 'a picture is worth a thousand words.' That picture may well be our nonverbal cues.

On another extreme are those who too quickly and often jump to conclusion on the basis of what they observe on the surface. To attempt to arrive at conclusions by body language only may not be adequate enough to get the complete picture; just as it is by trying to hear words only without observing or listening to the nonverbal. The key to effective understanding is the ability to hear the words of others and then interpret them on the basis of what is also being communicated nonverbally. If there is a discrepancy or some attempt to deceive, it will be discerned since there will likely be a conflict observed in the body language that contradicts what is being verbalized (except in those cases where one is a well developed and highly accomplished pathological liar).

When we communicate from the heart, we listen to more than just words. We consider the mood, the tone, the way words are used together, the posture of the one speaking and your own posture while listening. It is even possible to read the nonverbal cues of someone by just reading their written words without the benefit of their physical presence. When couples who are in love are away from each other and may just have the medium of the written word to communicate, they prove this ability by how they are able to decipher meaning and 'hear' the tone of voice and 'observe' body language by the way words are used.

Why not put your ability to the test by reading my body language and tone as you read these words: I AM TIRED! I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP! WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE SO THAT I CAN GET SOME REST!!!? Here's another one for you: I had a very interesting tour along the Atlantic coast of Maine recently. Walking along the shoreline, feeling the sands between my toes, admiring the swarming army of curious seagulls patrolling their territory, watching the waves from the distance coming ashore and hearing the crashing sounds of the breakers as they empty their surfy content right there before me, as I stood gazing at the lighthouse in the distance, gave me a sense of awe and wonder at the beauty and power of the ocean and the majesty of its Creator.

Friday, May 12, 2006

What Makes Relationships Secure

by Lester Rennard

Why do we as individuals start, enter into and terminate relationships? Why are relationships so important to our wellbeing? Why is it that some relationships are more important to us than others? What is it that makes some relationships so fulfilling that we'll make any sacrifices to hang on to them while at the same time being driven to swim across the shark-infested ocean to get away from others?

When God created Adam and placed him in the Garden of Eden, He said it was not good for man to be alone and so created a partner of a different gender that would complement him. Adam called his new partner, woman and named her Eve. The Creator gave them instructions including the responsibility for continuing His creative plan through a process of procreation in which they both, joined together as one, would reproduce offspring just like themselves. That was the beginning of human relationships. It must also be noted that the Creator Himself initiated a divine-human relationship which involved regular fellowship and communion with Adam and Eve whom He created in His own image.

We were not meant as individuals to exist in isolation. We are designed to exist in community with others and to find our fulfillment within the context of the relationships we share. Relationships are formed to meet needs and to the extent to which these needs are met will determine how much importance we place on these relationships. Whenever a relationship fails to continue meeting the needs for which it was formed, it no longer brings fulfillment, becomes a liability and if it cannot be re-energized and restored, there is a natural desire to terminate and replace it for another that will serve the intended purpose.

Relationships by nature are hierarchical. Because we enter into relationships to meet needs and our needs themselves are hierarchical, we form relationships and base their ranking, importance and the energy and resources we invest in them on the ranking of the needs we intend for them to meet. Some of the major needs for which we form relationships to address include spiritual, emotional, family, social, community, intellectual and identity.

One of the greatest needs we have is the spiritual need for having some form of connection with our source. I believe God Himself created within us that yearning to be in relationship and communion with Him as our source. It is such an indispensible need that even when one may try to ignore it and attempt to fill that need with substitutes on the material level, they can never find true fulfillment. That vertical divine-human relationship that started from the beginning of creation stands at the apex of our hierarchy of needs and also provides the basis and forms the axis upon which all other relationships find their true purpose and meaning. This level of relationship provides security for us when by our exercise of faith, we grow to trust God and enjoy a regular communion of fellowship with Him.

Our highest human need for relationship on the horizontal level is that to fulfill our emotional needs. We form committed, intimate relationships with our opposite gender, enjoy the spiritual, emotional and physical benefits that such a union provides and the creation and nuturing of another level of need we call family. In this relationship, security and fulfullment are found when a man and a woman commit their lives together in an exclusive life-long union of acceptance, mutual respect, love, care, and the mutual and self-less sharing together of themselves in a way that no other relationship can substitute. The security in this relationship is lost when one or both begin to focus on their own self-interest, start taking the other for granted, abandon the exclusivity of the relationship and the love and acceptance they once shared for each other.

We also form relationships to meet needs for social friendship and connection with others at different levels based largely on common interests. In these relationships, we do not seek for exclusivity but we find value and security in acceptance, loyalty, dependability, accessibility, encouragement, trustworthiness and non-judgmental support. The security in this form of relationship is lost when any of the above features and qualities ceases to exist.

Our natural desire to establish a sense of identity will lead us to find acceptance in groups that share the same goals and desires as we do. Youngsters who are in the period of adolescence and who feel misunderstood, rejected and unable to 'fit in' may consider themselves as outcasts, become rebellious and join gangs with others like themselves who have similar experiences, in an effort to find acceptance. Even though the purpose of these gangs may not be positive, their members will justify their involvement and blind loyalty to them because they find the acceptance, sense of identity and security, though a false one, that they could not find at home or within the established norms of society.

The common thread that runs through the fabric of any kind of relationship we desire or become a part of is our human desire for love and/or acceptance. Whether the nature of the relationship is positive or negative, if one finds the love and/or acceptance they are looking for, they will usually find a way to justify their need of belonging. Whenever the feeling of love and/or acceptance are no longer evident, the relationship no longer provides security and some form of decision will be made to either attempt to restore the relationship to what it was before or to move on and find a replacement that will once more satisfy the existing need.

Copyright (c)2006 by Lester Rennard, All Rights Reserved.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Why Do We Get Defensive?

by Lester Rennard

There are some individuals who unfortunately live most of their lives seemingly always on the defensive. They seem to believe that they are constantly under attack and therefore need to be always defending themselves and justifying their positions, actions and their right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. They tend to be suspicious of others and are quick to question motives while searching for hidden agendas even behind the most benign of encounters with others.

A manager may ask such an employee to meet in the office for a talk and the first question that might come to mind is, 'what have I done wrong now!?' The next moments before the meeting are then spent thinking about all the negative personal performance issues that the manager could possibly want to address and rehearsing a point by point defense and justification for why the decision was made to work on a project or do a task in a certain way and why it would be unfair for the manager to consider terminating his or her employment. The meeting with the manager is entered into with obvious tension, dread and apprehension.

A parent may ask their sixteen year-old daughter what time she got home last night from an evening out with her friends. Instead of giving a direct answer to the question, she starts giving a long explanation and justification as to why she was late in coming home, what she hopes the parent is not thinking she was out doing and why it is unfair to punish her for violating the curfew since it was not her fault. She lashes out at the parent that she is tired of not being trusted and dashes off to her room in tears. The simple question for verification from the parent is met with resentment and an 'attitude'.

A spouse finds a piece of paper with an unfamiliar name and telephone number left behind on the sofa in the den. It obviously was left there by the other and the name on it is someone of the oppositive sex. Without any preamble, the one spouse asks the other if they happen to know someone by the name of '____'. The spouse being questioned becomes tense and instead of answering the question, demands, "what is this about! why are you asking me that question! are you trying to accuse of something! what is your problem!? I don't need to be having this discussion with you", and then walks off in anger. The question was not answered and a seemingly innocent question turns into an acrimonious affair (no pun intended).

Why did these individuals get so defensive? Why did they jump to conclusions that they were under attack and must defend themselves? Individuals who habitually and easily become defensive are usually reacting to their own perceptions of self. They may be people with unresolved insecurities who have poor self-esteem and struggle with feelings of inadequacies and little self-worth. Others react defensively out of guilt, shame, threat or fear of disgrace. They believe that those with whom they are relating may be aware of their issues or might be on a path to discovering their hidden skeletons to use against them. They are driven to projecting images of how they would like others to perceive them - images that are opposite of how they are thinking about themselves, and so get defensive when it appears that that desired persona may be under attack.

In the examples above, the manager's reason for wanting to talk with the employee might be to share some positive words of commendation, to make an offer for a promotion or for a salary increase. Because the employee might be struggling with feelings of inadequacies, the conclusion is that the boss might have discovered those inadequacies and about to confront the issue.

The teen might not always be living up to the expectations of her parents when she goes out with her friends and therefore struggles with feelings of untrustworthiness. She wants her parents to trust her. When she is asked the simple question, she gets defensive because the question triggers her own untrustworthy feelings as she thinks that her parent is about to discover the truth about her away-from-home behaviors. The parent might just have been wanting to find out the time she got home in order to determine if she might have witnessed some particular event.

The spouse who became defensive when asked about their acquaintance with the individual whose name was found on a piece of paper might have reacted that way out of feelings of guilt. They might have just met the individual who passed on their name and number in a fleeting moment. There might not have been any intention of following through with anything inappropriate but the fear that the other spouse could discover about the meeting with someone of the opposite sex and the pressure to give an unplanned explanation, and being confronted, triggers the defensive reaction. The spouse who discovered the name might not in the least have considered anything inappropriate about the situation when deciding to inquire about the person.

The bottomline is that people generally react defensively as a result of their own unresolved internal conflicts that are triggered by feelings of external pressures that create a threat to how they would want to be perceived. When they are confronted with any situation that they interpret as a threat to their persona, they feel a need to get battle ready to defend and protect that image. There are also some individuals who may react defensively, outside of their normal character, as a result of some transient emotional, psychological or physical issues such as stress, hormones, health concerns and other life circumstances.

When a person has a healthy self-worth and esteem, has resolved any issues of inadequacies or insecurities, has nothing to hide and lives a life of transparency, under normal life circumstances, he or she has no reason to react defensively. To such individuals, the truth is its own best defense.

Copyright (c)2006 by Lester Rennard, All Rights Reserved.